


She Used To Be Mine

by KryptonianConstellation



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 12:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21161696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KryptonianConstellation/pseuds/KryptonianConstellation
Summary: Lena's inner struggles throughout (mostly) season 4, how she's been affected by the constant betrayal. Will her hero come to save her? Or has she lost all of them?





	She Used To Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah season 4 stuff... I wrote this at that time prior to Lena finding out that Kara is Supergirl. But I thought, why not post it, since it's Lena's birthday today. And yeah it's a little sad, but I promise the ending is sweet. This is also based off of She Used To Be Mine by Sara Barielles. So enjoy!

_ It's not simple to say _

_ That most days I don't recognize me _

_ That these shoes and this apron _

_ That place and its patrons _

_ Have taken more than I gave them _

_ It's not easy to know _

_ I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true _

_ I was never attention's sweet center _

_ I still remember that girl _

“Did you hear about it?”

“What?”

“Her brother.”

“Lena’s?”

“Yeah.”

“I did, it’s everywhere. Who hasn’t?”

“I don’t know. But it’s crazy isn’t it. Who would be crazy enough to try to hurt a Superhero?”

“I know right. That’s just evil.”

“Do you think she’s like him?”

“She grew up with him. Who knows. I’d stay away though.”

“Yeah you’re right.”

Lena leaned against the wall. Their voices carried through the hall. Lena tried not to cry, to keep her face neutral. After all it was what she was taught. Show no weakness. But what did the lessons of being a Luthor matter now? The words now associated with Luthor were crazy, insane, evil, bad… 

Lena ran away from them. From the words. The labels. Soon enough she found herself on a hill that opened into a vast field. Behind her were the stone walls of her boarding school. She had to be outside the walls. Otherwise she’d just feel trapped in all the words and looks people gave her.

It had only been a few days since his name first appeared on the news screen. The second she heard his name she was happy, she eagerly looked to the TV hoping to see her brother’s face. To be able to see it, to remember it more clearly. The image had slowly faded away after so long without seeing him. But the image she was greeted was not of him, but of Superman. Then she read the caption.

_ Lex Luthor’s Reign on Metropolis Against Superman Injuring Hundreds. _

She locked herself in her dorm room for the rest of that day. She was too scared to call her mother because if she heard it from her, Lena would know for a 100% certainty that it was true. Instead of seeing her brother as a hero as she had always seen him, everyone was seeing him as a criminal and telling her that he was one.

Where did she miss it? Was that girl she was at that time too blind to see it? The evil in him that had caused him to do those things, Lena never saw it. But now the world was telling her it is there. And all Lena could do was stare at the vast green of Ireland. Was the hero she had believed he was just an illusion? Something her head had just created after the loss of her mother? 

She truly didn’t know. But she now did know one thing. She only had one hero in her life, and it was not him. 

_ She's imperfect, but she tries _

_ She is good, but she lies _

_ She is hard on herself _

_ She is broken and won't ask for help _

_ She is messy, but she's kind _

_ She is lonely most of the time _

_ She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie _

_ She is gone, but she used to be mine _

“We have concluded our first human trial. Test subject 0331 exhibited what can be considered as extra human powers. For precisely 3 minutes and 14 seconds. Time of death, 4:03am. Despite the expiration of the subject, the trial reaped new and critical information on the human genome. Future trials are now at an 87% probability success. Payment will be sent to the subject’s next of kin,” Lena said in a monotone voice into the recorder.

She then slowly stood up and walked to the window. The darkness of the night engulfed the city. Only the city lights broke through the blackness of the sky. But despite that, Lena felt as if it was engulfing her. But no one could see it. If anyone came into the office, they would have hardly noticed the pain that was swirling inside her. 

“I’m so sorry Adam… I moved the spider.” 

She should have left it alone. If she did, he would still be alive. She wouldn’t be responsible for another death. But she didn’t. And she should be telling herself that Adam convinced her to continue the testing. That he wanted to be able to do something with his life. But what did it matter when it didn’t work? Would it have been worth it? All for a serum that didn’t work. But yet, held the potential to save hundreds of millions of people. 

But she couldn’t make it work. After everything. She had hoped that it would, and it just ended as a slap in the face. 

What was she even doing? What was the point of it if she just failed? Lena looked around her office. Only the patter of rain could be heard. 

She found herself alone again. And she knew she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. She wasn’t ready to tell anyone what she was working on. For fear that they would see it as unethical, and that she was just like the rest of her family. But wouldn’t her friends side with her, because that’s what friends did? Yet Lena couldn’t help but keep the secrets, tell the lies. Most of all she hated why. 

Luthor. The cursed name. Lena tried to do everything to change the meaning of the name. To not be her family. Even though she still had the lessons of how to be a Luthor ingrained in her. All of this, every bit was not a good mix. It had resulted in this. In pushing away those she cares about in fear of rejection. That they’ll change their minds about her. The voice in her head convincing her that she is better off alone. 

She was broken. 

And she knew she had to fix it. So she made herself a promise. To spend more time with her friends instead of pushing them away. And to make the serum work, for the lives she could save. To change what the Luthor name meant. And most of all, for Adam. Someone who wanted to have a purpose, but didn’t want to be a hero. She had to make sure that he did. 

“I will finish it Adam, I promise.” A tear fell onto Lena’s cheek. 

_ It's not what I asked for _

_ Sometimes life just slips in through a back door _

_ And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true _

_ And now I've got you _

_ And you're not what I asked for _

_ If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back _

_ For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two _

_ For the girl that I knew _

“… A trip with father. That sounds like something that ordinarily would have pleased me, but on this particular trip he brought a woman with him. And insisted that she go everywhere with us. So here I was. 7 years old, dog dying, father ignoring me…”

“Is there a point to this story?” Lena asked her brother. But there was a small part of her that had a feeling of where this was going. But she didn’t want to hear it. So she guarded her heart.

“At first I swore to loathe this woman…” Lex continued. “How dare she take my father away from me at the moment I needed him the most. But I couldn’t keep my promise, because… she was wonderful. She was so kind to me. On the day they put Ignatius down, she embraced me and sang me this beautiful Irish song. By the end of the trip I wished that she was my mother.”

Lena closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears that threatened to spill. “But she wasn’t your mother-”

“She was yours. I want you to know with certainty that while I came from poison, you came from love. And if the rest of this family stands steadily in darkness, you will always fall into the light. I knew that from the moment I met her.” 

_ And if the rest of this family stands steadily in darkness, you will always fall into the light. _

Those words stuck with her. Lex knew that because he knew her mother. Her mother… Her hero. Lena tried to remember her memories of her mother. There weren’t many. A few blurry moments. A sense of warmth and kindness. But that was all. Except for that day. It was like Lena had expected that her mother had powers and could save herself. Or maybe it was just that Lena knew she was no hero herself. 

Did she really fall into the light? Because she was her mother’s daughter? But she was Lionel’s daughter too. There was still a part of her that would always be a Luthor. And it had tortured Lena. Not solely by the pain they had caused her, but the pain she inflicted on herself. She contemplated if she really did belong with them. The worst part was that sometimes she believed that being in their family was her punishment. That she deserved to be there to show her that it was where she really belonged. After all, it was her fault that she was there.

An absent father, a cold mother, and a brother who broke all her hope in people. All she wanted was her mother. Not Lillian. Not the person she was supposed to call mother, but the one she wanted back. She didn’t want this; she didn’t ask for it. But it was what Lena got. A mother who hated her because of what she represented, who told her she loved her when she wanted something. Who made her think that maybe… maybe she was like them. But what if she could be better?

But Lena was trapped. Engulfed by thoughts that she couldn’t control. Her real mother had shown Lex kindness. She had been wonderful. And Lena had always known and remembered that. But… if she was her mother’s daughter, where was that in her? If she really was like her mother, then why did she stand there that day and do nothing? She knew, she knew that in that moment something was wrong. Yet she stared. She did nothing, and lost her hero.

Now, Lena felt as though she drowned that part of herself that was truly like her mother. A girl she had once been, and could never be again.

_ Who'll be reckless, just enough _

_ Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up _

_ When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love _

_ And then she'll get stuck _

She sat. The bustle of the hospital surrounded her. But she hardly heard it. Her thoughts, rang louder. Everything was falling apart. James was possibly dying. And if he survived he could be paralyzed. He’d never walk again. Even though he was a hero, a Guardian. Now he lay on a bed unmoving. Yet she could save him. If she could just get the Harun-El to work. Then maybe…

She couldn’t use it. Not yet. Not until she knew for sure it wouldn’t kill him. She couldn’t let what happened to Adam happen to James too. Lena wouldn’t recover from that. 

And amongst this she now had to deal with her sick brother. Cancer. A monster that had no ensured cure. It could go away if you could fight it, but it could also come back to torture you. It grew inside you, with what makes you alive. It took up space, becoming an ingrained part of you until it destroyed you. 

Her brother was back like another round of cancer. Back to hurt her, yet she was trying to help him. There was a part of her that didn’t want him to die, enough that it was almost that she couldn’t let him die, but there was another part, telling her that he should, after everything he had done to the world and to her. 

He was back in her life, and she wanted him to go away. He could live, die whatever the hell he wanted. But Lena had only just known what it was like to have a real family, real friends. And she feared that he’d take them away. She wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He had always done that to her hasn’t he? Even when he was never there, he took away the chance she had at having friends. Because everyone watched the news didn’t they?

Maybe the side of her that wanted to help him came from that youthful hope she might still have inside her. That hope for her brother. Because the Lex Luthor she saw was not her brother. He had the same face, same voice, but it was like a demon took over. He was no longer the same. 

Yet without really understanding it, there was that voice. What if he came back? The golden boy. The one who showed her kindness, welcomed her. Made her believe that maybe someone did care for her. The boy who promised that he would visit, that he’d still be her brother. But the boy broke his promise.

Lena spent years wondering if he’d come back. Or if she’d just be stuck in the house with Lillian. Dragged off to galas and classes. Then if she’d be trapped in boarding school forever. Each day she’d hoped that her brother would be at the door. Just to say hi. That maybe they’d play chess again. And that sliver of hope drove her to become a chess prodigy, her eyes searching the crowd to see if he was there, watching, if he’d approve. Then again in science fairs. But he never was. Then he became her downfall.

Once again he drove her. To make the Luthor name good. But finally. Finally, she met Kara. And that all changed. She no longer subconsciously searched for his face in the crowd at galas or events. Instead she actually saw someone there, giving her a smile or thumbs up. And she realized that Lex may have made her feel welcome and taught her things. But he never truly loved her. If he did, he would have been there and she wouldn’t be searching. For once in her life, she found stability.

And now he was back, and she was stuck.

_ And be scared of the life that's inside her _

_ Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her _

_ To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes _

_ That's been gone, but used to be mine _

_ Used to be mine _

Again. Once again, she was tricked and betrayed. Lena laid on the hospital bed. It was only hours, or at least she thought it was hours since she had been here. But for a friend. And now it was her. All because of her brother. 

Everything still felt all so surreal. Like a dream. And she so desperately wanted it to be a dream. That’s why she found herself staring at the TV screen that was in the room, off. She knew very well what would appear if she turned it on. The same thing she saw that day she lost her brother.

This time she had also lost a friend. Eve. Once again, she had never seen it. She had trusted her. The only person who had known from the start about the Harun-El experiment, even before those she called family. 

It had all been an act. All her brother’s plan. Two years that girl spent at CatCo. It wouldn’t have been expected. But when it was revealed that she had studied nuclear physics, well… Lena should have noticed that was odd. Why would a woman like her with such a degree be an assistant?

But Lena ignored it. Like all the little telltale signs she missed with her brother. How could she have been so stupid?

Lena more than anyone else had continuously experienced people lying to her, manipulating her, and betraying her. Such to the extent that she almost stopped trusting anyone. Being okay in the safety of being alone than having the comfort of others. Who else would betray her? How many more times could this happen before Lena broke?

Her walls were now up. Guarded. Lena wasn’t sure how long until she could open up to a new person would be, if ever. But Lena was okay with that. If it meant that she never felt again the pain of betrayal. 

She still remembered that moment. When her brother had called Eve’s name, she had been so confused. Then she had come in, with a pistol in her hands and it had just hit her. She just couldn’t believe it, comprehend it. 

Her trusting Eve, falling into her brother’s plans. Now Lex was loose and healthy. Possibly with powers. Capable of so much chaos. She had let it happen. If she had figured it out sooner, she could have stopped all of this. It was all her fault.

But this once again lit the fire in Lena. The drive. And she was not going to rest until she fixed this. She had been the girl she used to be, the one who had hoped for a brother who cared about her. But that girl was weak, and resulted in all this pain. Now, she’d be better. 

_ She is messy, but she's kind _

_ She is lonely most of the time _

_ She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie _

_ She is gone, but she used to be mine _

Lena gasped, and quickly sat up. Her eyes scanned the room. Her heart was hammering. Her breath, unsteady. The darkness of her room was all she could see. She tried to control her breathing. It was hard to. She wanted it to stop, but the more she tried to, it felt like it worsened. She was now in a state of panic. 

She- she needed it to stop. Her shaky hand picked up her phone. She wasn’t even really sure what she was doing. She didn’t realize it until she heard the voice.

“Lena?” Kara said in a groggy voice. “Why are you calling? It’s like 3 am in the morning.”

Oh. It was late. “I- I… sorry Ka- Kara. I didn’t mean t- to wake you. I- just… never mind. Just, just go back to sleep. It’s not important.” Lena ended the call before she could receive a response.

Lena then walked into the washroom. She looked in the mirror. It looked like she’d been to hell and back. Her body was shaking. Her hands tightly gripped the edge of the counter, as if she was trying to keep it still. 

She attempted to calm her breathing again. She then tried to splash cold water on her face as if she’d snap out of it by doing so. She stepped back, until she couldn’t anymore. She then sunk down against the wall. Her arms wrapping around her knees as she closed her eyes. 

_ Green. Water. Clouds. Rain. _

Her eyes snapped back open. She couldn’t. 

“Lena?” A voice said. Lena jumped. “Lena?” For a second she had the impulse to hide. But she recognized the gentle voice that was currently laced with concern. 

“Lena,” Kara said in a heartbroken voice as she reached the bathroom. Kara automatically went to her. Lena impulsively jerked back when Kara got too close. “Hey, hey… It’s just me. It’s Kara.”

Lena looked at her. “I- it’s hard to-” Lena said in between unsteady breaths.

“In and out Lena. In and out okay. Just look at me. Follow me okay.” Lena focused her attention to Kara. Following her breathing. Eventually Lena found herself breathing normally again. “See, there you go. You’ve got it.” Kara gave her a smile. Lena then realized that Kara was still in her pajamas. Flannel detailed pants and a NSYNC t-shirt. It was so Kara, it made Lena smile a little.

“I’m so sorry I woke you up.”

“You don’t need to be sorry Lena. I’d rather be here than asleep. Especially if you need me. Are you okay? And don’t say you’re fine, because you are clearly not.”

That was Kara, the girl who knew her. Knew she would let her self endure in pain and never let anyone in because she felt as though she was causing them trouble. “A bad dream,” Lena said.

“Was it about your brother? I know you’ve been going through a lot with what had happened. And there was that whole situation with Eve…”

“No, my mother.”

“Lillian?”

Lena shook her head. “Not Lillian. My real mother.”

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it? I know you usually don’t talk about her. But it might help. I’ve always found it easier to talk to Alex about my nightmares. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. I’m just… I’ll be here if you ever want to.”

“I- I never really had someone to talk to about them.”

“Well, now you have me.” Kara gave her a kind smile.

Lena looked at Kara. She was scared to. She had already let someone in to betray her all over again. And Lena wasn’t used to being vulnerable. But then again, this was Kara. The person who showed her real friends and family. Who was always there for her. The person she trusted most.

“It was more of a memory than a nightmare. Or I was remembering through my nightmare. Either one, I guess. I was, I think 4. But it felt as clear as day. It was overcast. The water was green. I believe we were visiting family. My mother brought us to the beach. She loved it when the ocean was like that. It- it was mystical. My mother decided to go for a swim. Then there was this moment she went under. She didn’t come back up. And- and I just stood there. Kara I just stood there watching. I didn’t shout, call for help. I didn’t run to her. Wh- what kind of child does that?” Lena broke, tears falling, her voice cracking. 

“Lena,” Kara said softly. “You were so young, how would you have known-”

“But I did! I knew something was wrong Kara! I knew, but I stood there.” And Lena knew she should have stopped there. Every inch of her told her too. But she was sick and tired of it all. Keeping it all in. And then the words kept spilling out of her before she even realized it. “I- I’m not that different from Lex. Heck I was given lessons on how to be a Luthor. I deserved to be put there after that. It’s all my fault.”

“It is no-”

“It is. I helped Lex. I made the serum that made him healthy again. That gave him powers. I even wanted to help him. And Eve. I let her take everything I had worked for and use it for the exact opposite of what I wanted. I let Lex trick me, I let her do the same. And… and I killed someone, I killed Adam doing the trials. I- Lex was wrong when he said I fell into the light. I don’t. I fall into the darkness…” 

“You are too hard on yourself Lena. You isolate yourself so no one can know what you are truly thinking or feeling. Because what? You’re afraid that your thoughts will be confirmed? Anyone who thinks so, is so very wrong. Lena you are one of the _ best _people I know. And I’m not just saying that. I believe that. You are kind, and give so much to the world. I hate that some people just walk into your life and suddenly make you think otherwise. I have been your best friend for about 3 years now Lena. And I’m going to tell you that all those thoughts you have in your head about who you are… they’re wrong. With your mother, you can’t blame yourself for that. You were young, and probably paralyzed with fear. And it was her choice to go into the water that day. Not yours.

“Ever since you’ve come here to National City, you have been trying to make the Luthor name good, and you have. You saved the world, twice. Everything you make or do is to help people. You can’t know what other people are thinking, you couldn’t have anticipated what Lex did next. And even though they had accomplished such with the serum you created, you created it to save lives. The person who died during the trials, he had to know there was risk. You were testing something that was unknown to anyone, there’s always going to be that possibility. And honestly, such a thing could save so many people. Then _ they _took the good you made into bad. So… take it back Lena. Make it good again, because you can, I know you can. You of all people, fall into the light.”

Lena looked at Kara, and saw in her crystal blue eyes that she was speaking from the heart. “You really think so?”

“I know so.” Kara went over, beside Lena. She then held her. Then she kissed the top of her head. “You’re a hero Lena. You do so much _ good_. But the world seems to find a way to twist it so you see otherwise. But I see it Lena. I see the good you’ve done. You should know it too.”

“Thank you Kara.” Lena relaxed into the embrace.

“Always.” 

Correction, Lena had two heroes.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @_Argo_Navis  
Let me know in the comments if you want a continuation of this, maybe a new song while tackling Lena finding out about Kara and going into season 5.  
Anyways, happy birthday Lena, one of the most amazing and intelligent characters on the show!


End file.
